Remember when you were young? Many of my best memories come from before the age of ten. Those summer days when my sisters and I would play outside with our neighbors all day and the school days of playing freeze tag and crack the whip are just a few of them. My sisters and I adored playing with our Barbies and the other dolls that we had. From skip-its to hopscotch, little "peoples" to pogs, we always had so much fun. There was something awesome about the outlook I, like so many other people at that age, had on life. Though my early childhood was not always what you could call easy, there was never a point where things seemed hopeless. Not a day went by when I did not feel the love of my Father in heaven. Even through my parents' divorce and living on opposite coasts, I was not unhappy as a child-far from it, actually. I'm not going to lie to you though; it was very hard at times and I definitely cried my fair share of tears. But even through the pain there was always a glimmer of hope, and I always knew that things would work out in the end.
But things are different now. We used to be carefree and excited for each day, but the days of innocence and ignorance are over. I know this change happened for all of us. I really could not tell you at what point in my life that this started to change. Maybe it was a result of age. Maybe it was all the disappointments and heart aches brought about through the various people I've come across. Maybe it was the fact that year after year seemed to always be the same-school, summer, school, summer, etc. Maybe it was through older friends that I've had, who had already gone through this change. Life seems to make us almost cynical, for lack of a better word. We no longer believe the claims we see commercial after commercial make. We see one person after another talk about trust issues because they had been cheated on or had loved and lost. We do not take the time we should to just sit and listen to what others have to say. Life is too busy to just slow down and soak in wisdom from people who have experienced it before us.
I miss the days when I believed every commercial I saw. I miss thinking about who I am going to marry (as all girls inevitably do) without wondering how much heartache it will take to get there. I miss trusting in God so easily; now it is sometimes hard, even after seeing His faithfulness and goodness over and over again. I miss the days when I didn't realize that even the best of people could hurt me. There are so many different things that have changed-not all bad. Life is just different now. I know that it will be a struggle to stand firm in my faith at times. I will be very careful to guard my heart because I know what it is like to feel pain and do not ever want to feel that again. I know who to not trust to keep my secrets (not that I really have any). I have felt unbelievable pain and have lost some great people in my life. God has put me through the refining process many times and believe me, it burns. When I was a kid, it seemed like those things would never happen to me, because though I was tall and looked older than I was, I still always felt young. I felt that I would never be old enough to go through that kind of pain. But now I have. I have been through many things that I would rather not repeat. But thankfully, I can say that I know what it feels like to depend on God when it seems like no one else cares. I know that He really does cause everything to work out for the best (Romans 8:28). He has a plan for my life, and for yours, and will accomplish it (Psalm 138:8).
What I am getting at is this:I love being older and knowing how to handle some situations; I am grateful for every blessing and every trial in my life because I know they have made me into who I am; I love how much I have grown spiritually and learned about God in the past years; but there are some things that I miss. I can't say that I want to go find my Barbies and play with them, but there are things about childhood that I wish I could return to. I really do want to go back to innocent thinking. I want to trust people, even if it hurts. I want to look for the good in everyone. I want to be in awe of things that truly are amazing. I don't want the scars of my past to affect the present or the future. Most of all, I want my faith to be childlike-unswerving and unquestioning. I want to just easily fall into the hands of the only One I can fully trust to love me unconditionally and discipline me and make me more like Him.
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